There are so many things that I wish I had known when I was growing up.  Some of them quite major.  Some of them comparatively trivial.  But I think the single biggest thing that would have made a difference to young teenage me’s life, would have been the understanding that our wellbeing is innate.  That I have everything I need inside of me.  That I’m not catastrophically short of confidence or strength, but that those things reside inside of me.  I just did not realise that.

When I was younger I didn’t fit in.  Plus I was considered far too sensitive.  Mainly by myself.  I was constantly worried that I was ‘broken’.  I felt that I wasn’t strong enough to deal with the rigours of life.  This misunderstanding had a very marked effect on the way I approached my life.

Strategies Doomed To Fail

I came up with strategies to manage my life experience.  These included running away from situations, because I felt I lacked the strength to deal with them.  It was only later on in my life that I sat down and noticed this pattern in my life.  The short term ‘high’ from escaping a situation would pass and then I’d find myself in another situation that was seemingly unbearable.  A lot of this came down to me not being able or willing to set boundaries with other people.  I know this can be trickier at work with the boss/employee relationship.  But I have too often played the victim and acted as though life was happening to me, rather than my life being a result of my own attitudes and behaviour.  Everything was everyone else’s fault and I was not responsible.  I still don’t find it easy to set boundaries.  But I have realised a couple of things:

1. The fear of setting the boundaries is normally worse than the actual act of setting them.
2. I dislike being a doormat more than I dislike setting boundaries that stop me being a doormat!

Drinking To Calm Myself

I also had other strategies to deal with the emotional pain that I was experiencing.  I used to drink too much.  Not all the time.  But if I was stressed, then having a few drinks would make everything okay.  At least for the time that I was down the pub.  The slight problem with this, apart from not being very healthy, is that nothing actually got sorted down the pub.  It was just my mind had calmed down.  But instead of realising that the problems were inside of me (and disappeared when my mind was calmer), I carried on believing that circumstances outside of me were putting a feeling inside of me.

Emotional Binge Eating

I have also used shopping to make myself feel better.  And emotional eating.  Or rather, emotional overeating.  And not healthy foods, but sugary foods with lots and lots of calories!  Again, the pleasure from this was short term.  It would never provide a long term contentment.  Mainly because I was looking in the wrong place for my wellbeing.  And until I fundamentally understood where it was, nothing would substantially change.

Looking For Peer Approval

I felt that I lacked confidence; so I looked to others to provide that for me.  I was forever asking other people what I should do with my life.  Rather than listening for that calm inner voice, the inner whisper that provides the direction for my life that would suit me.  But I did what I thought other people would approve of and that would help me fit in.  At times I seemed to be doing a very bad impression of somebody cool.  The problem was, nobody believed in it.  Least of all myself.

As you can see, I put a lot of energy into stressful thinking about my life; followed up by strategies that weren’t providing the peace that I was looking for.

How Life Really Works

I so wished I had been able to do the iheart programme when I was younger.  Especially during my teenage years when I was at secondary school.  It might not have dramatically changed what was going on outside of me.  At least not straight away.  But it would have definitely transformed what was going on inside of me. instead of adopting so many strategies and approaches that were doomed to failure.  I think I would have led a more authentic life that would have had much more meaning to me.  that isn’t to say that I haven’t had fun down the years.  But it’s amazing how much more people get out of life when they believe they are being their authentic selves.  Rather than what they think other people think they should be.

If I had done the iheart course then I would have experienced wisdom in dealing with the following areas of my life:

• I would have learnt I had the inner resilience to cope with life.  That I am enough.
• I would have listened to my inner wisdom rather than constantly asking everyone else their opinions.
• I would have had the strength to deal with bullies at school and in my personal life.
• I would have dealt more healthily with life and avoided compulsive or negatively addictive behaviours.
• I would learn that everyone has separate realities and how I can deal with people who disagree with me.  I would be much less judgemental of other people and feel less threatened by them.
• I would have understood that although I might get upset at times and ‘Off Track’, that it is merely a passing moment and does not mean that I am fundamentally flawed.
• I would be more able to spot the signs of overthinking and stress and therefore look at a wiser, alternative way to approach something.
• I would no longer restrict myself by believing the labels I have attached to myself.  This would have freed me up to explore more and not cut myself off things that I thought I wasn’t capable of.

I would basically have had a manual on how to live my life which would help me navigate it from a place of wisdom rather than insecurity; which would have been invaluable. That’s why I became an iheart facilitator. So that children growing up today can have this understanding and can live from a secure place.

I got annoyed with something today.  I had a last minute change at work thrust upon me at school.  I got frustrated that I was told so late.  But that’s how things are in schools. Particularly now in the pandemic.  That said, I was surprised at how frustrated I got.  

My understanding from iheart has changed how I view my life experience though.  I realise that the cause of my frustration wasn’t anything outside of me.  It wasn’t being moved last minute to another class.  My frustration was coming from one place and one place only.  It was coming from inside of me.  

That is a fascinating way to look at things.  For so much of my life I have regarded my emotions as being determined by my life circumstances.  And have spent so much time and energy working to change things outside of me, in order to change the feelings inside of me.

That’s a real game changer in terms of how you live your life…. because how much of your life do you engage in activities in order to change your circumstances in order to change your feelings?

I also understand that whatever the circumstances have been in my life, they cannot inflict permanent damage on me.  This is quite different to some therapies views on issues from the past, where people who have suffered trauma can sometimes be deemed to be broken.  It’s a very reassuring understanding to have.  We are never broken.  Although our wellbeing may be covered up at times, it is only due to our insecure thinking in the moment.  Our wellbeing is innate.  Our resilience is innate.  These are things that never go away.  They can just be obscured from our own vision at times.  

In the past I would have got very down on myself for my reaction.  But these days I am lot kinder to myself.  Instead of thinking that was overly sensitive and flawed, I realise that I am perfectly resilient and have all the tools within to cope with what life throws at me.  What a fantastic understanding to have!  So much more refreshing than the limiting beliefs that I had when I was growing up.

I don’t need to do exercises to instil more confidence and resilience.  My frustration that morning was simply a sign that I was ‘Off Track’ as we say in iheart.  I was thinking insecure thoughts.  But when my thinking settled and I returned to my wellbeing, I reminded myself that I can cope with whatever the work day throws at me.  I don’t need to engage with those insecure thoughts.  I don’t need to have a Positivity course to deal with those emotions.  My emotions will naturally settle and return to a balanced state.  I understand from iheart how my Psychological System works which has made a massive change to my life experience.  As my example at the start of this article shows, you won’t always be living in a peaceful frame of mind.  That’s simply not the way life is.  As the philosopher Sydney Banks said, “Life is a contact sport”.  But any knocks we receive will never permanently damage the resilience and wellbeing that lie within us.

I wish I had known this when I was growing up.  I worried about so many things:

• That I was too quiet.  
• Too thin. 
• That I wasn’t cool enough.  
• Too weak. 
• Too sensitive. 
• Not tough enough.

I still get times when my wellbeing is obscured and the storm clouds come over.  It’s just that now that I know that there is always a clear sunny sky behind the clouds and that the storm isn’t here to permanently stay.

iheart is very much a disrupter in the mental health world.  Virtually all therapies consider that what is outside of us causes trauma that can permanently damage a child.  But how much more reassuring and life affirming is it to know that that simply isn’t the case.  We have all we need inside of us.  And that the core of us is always strong and resilient.  As I mentioned above, I so wish I had known this when I was growing up.  It wouldn’t have made my childhood automatically non-stop fun and serene.  But it would have helped me realise that within me was the strength to go out and deal with life’s knocks.

As someone who was chronically shy, the idea that I can stand up in front of a group of children and adults and teach and do presentations is something I am very proud of.  I’ve discarded the old label of ‘shy’.  And now view myself as the complete and resilient person that I am. I want to be able to do the same for all the children I work with.

Sometimes when you talk about mental health, one of the drawbacks is that your language can start to sound a little bit flowery and not something that people can relate to.  So I thought I would examine what it means when we say that our wellbeing and resilience is ‘innate’.  And talk about the practical implications of understanding that.

When we use the word ‘innate’, we mean something that is inside of us.  It is who we are.  It is not something that we have to go looking for outside of us.  This quite simple understanding can have enormous implications that can be life changing.  When we say that the iheart programme is like an instruction manual for how to navigate your life, we really mean that this can make a profound difference to how you live.

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Reassuring

One of the first things I noticed when I learnt about my wellbeing being innate, was how reassuring I found that.  It didn’t mean that wellbeing was something that only a few people could attain.  It didn’t mean that you had to have a large house and a fancy car to be able to live in your wellbeing.  It’s there for all of us.  It’s just that sometimes it gets covered up.  But as we say in iheart, mental health is knowing that no matter how dark the storm clouds in your mind may appear to be, you know deep down that your wellbeing is still there.  It just might not appear that at the moment.

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Past Trauma Does Not Define You

One major implication of the innate understanding is that I realised that any past trauma I experienced had not permanently damaged me.  I thought that some events in my past might have permanently scarred me.  But whilst they weren’t pleasant experiences, deep down at my core I remain emotionally well.  Again, I found this to be massively reassuring.  I no longer felt the need to grapple with past memories that had hurt me at the time.  Why would I?  They had gone.  And I was perfectly fine.  My wellbeing and resilience had not been taken away.  No matter how chastening the experience.

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You Lead A Simpler Life

One of the reassuring aspects of knowing my wellbeing was innate, was that I didn’t have to chase external things to live from this wellbeing.  This is a massive game changer.  It doesn’t mean that external things can’t be enjoyed and a source of pleasure.  But my wellbeing does not depend on my earning a 6 figure salary.  Or having all the right gadgets.  It’s innate.  So it’s inside me, no matter how challenging the circumstances of my life.  So if I want, I can lead a nice simple life… and still live in my wellbeing.

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You Develop More Resilience

Another implication I found was that I tended to bounce back quicker from life’s disappointments.  I’m always in a state of bliss!  But when life throws you challenges, I know that whatever the emotions I’m feeling, they will clear away and my wellbeing will return.  I may need to explore my attachments that create those negative emotions. But, again, I found this massively reassuring.  It just helped me feel more resilient.  I know this strong inner core of wellbeing is always within me.  And that helps me know I can deal with any obstacles that life sends my way.

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You’re More Willing To Leave Your Comfort Zone

Knowing that external factors can’t damage my inner wellbeing has helped me move more out of my comfort zone.  I’m not saying that I don’t experience doubts or fears.  But over time they have seemed to fall away, when I know that my inner core is one of wellbeing and resilience.  That part of me can never be broken.  So moving out of my comfort zone just logically scare me any more. I now tend to take a more curious approach and don’t attach my wellbeing to the outcome.

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Shyness Is Less Scary

I used to be extremely shy and nervous talking in front of groups of people.  I was chronically shy at times and would dread having to speak out in front of other people.  I used to do exercises to work on my shyness.  And I thought there was something wrong with me.  I worried I was irrevocably damaged by experiences early in my life. But now I know that whilst there are times that in the moment I will get shy, these occasional experiences of shyness do I define who I am.  

But it’s not a flaw.  It’s just something that I sometimes experience in the moment.  But that does not mean I am in some way broken.  Why would I be when my inner core is strong and resilience. This has helped me look at myself differently and my issues with shyness have mainly fallen away.  And when they do reoccur… I don’t get upset about them.  It’s just a temporary experience.  Not a permanent flaw. 

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No More Need For People Pleasing

Knowing that my wellbeing is innate means that I don’t need other people’s approval to be okay.  What a game changer that is!  The implications of that are enormous.  Especially for someone like me who has spent an enormous part of his life worrying about what other people think.  That worry could be suffocating.  But now I know that deep down I am well and I no longer feel the need to people please.  I’m more inclined to just be myself. As there is nothing fundamentally wrong with me.  This means I no longer feel the pressure to follow the crowd.  I don’t unduly worry about what people think of me or what I’m doing.  I can now lead a life unencumbered by the opinions of other people.  

This is extremely liberating and feels like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I’m not a complete sociopath now!  But I just don’t waste time worrying about something that ultimately I will have no control over anyway.  Other people will form their opinions of me, no matter what I do.  Whether I say a lot and do loads.  Or whether I say little and keep myself to myself.  It’s just not something that restricts me now and lets me lead a freer life.  Linked to the shyness that I mentioned in the last paragraph, I feel I can express my opinions without fear.  Why not?  If people disagree with me and think I’m wrong, so what?  External things can’t damage my innate wellbeing.

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Greater Flexibility

The greater sense of freedom I have from knowing I can live from my innate wellbeing, has helped me have greater flexibility in how I approach life.  I’m more willing to see what my inner wisdom tells me what to do. Rather than just following the crowd and doing what they say. 

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More Understanding Of Other People

One of the biggest implications of knowing my wellbeing is innate, is that it has given me greater understanding of other people.  Working in a school where sometimes children may misbehave, this understanding really brings home that they are just displaying behaviour that might not be appropriate in that moment.  It does not mean that they are fundamentally flawed.  It does not mean that they are broken. It does not mean that someone is permanently damaged by past trauma.  That is such a hopeful message.  

So I hope this article has helped explain exactly what the benefits are of learning that your wellbeing is innate.  It’s not just flowery language.  It’s something that has enormous benefits that can dramatically change the way you live and react to your life.

Every one of us knows what it is like to be given a label.  They are often short cuts for describing someone which can be useful…. if you’re focussing on one particular area, at that particular time.  But the problem is they can have such a narrow focus and timeframe, that they can be less than useful when applied to someone generally.  And there can also be problems when someone identifies with a label given to them.

Labels can be given to us from many different sources.  They can come from our parents, or other family members.  They can come from friends.  They can come from teachers at school.  They can even come from colleagues at your workplace in later life. 

But these labels can be very restrictive.  They cannot possibly define all of who you are.  As I mentioned, they are just short cuts.  But short cuts can leave out nuance and can be far too general.  

A Shy Boy

I was given a label when I was young of being very shy, very quiet.  And there were most definitely times when I was shy and quiet.  But the problem was that at times I believed that was who I was, and it almost became a self-fulfilling prophecy.  “I’m shy therefore I will react in this situation the way a shy person would.”  But this train of thought can be far too general.  I wasn’t shy all the time.  I did notice that and would add some caveats.  “I’m shy when I first meet people.”  Or, “I’m shy and need to feel a connection with someone until I feel I can open up to them.”  But if I look back at my social interactions over the years, that’s not always the case.  My responses in social situations were much more varied than that.  I started to notice that my caveats didn’t cover all the different ways that I behaved/reacted when I was out meeting other people.

The problem with labels is that they can soon become very limiting.  In fact, if you start to believe them then you can soon restrict yourself.  You can limit your potential options in life by deciding how a person of your personality might behave in a particular situation.  But this can deny our opportunity to change.  I used to have rigid beliefs on who I was and this stopped me from going for things that I could have maybe achieved or maybe massively enjoyed.  However, a couple of things really helped me reassess my capabilities and my assessment of myself.

In 2005 I ran a half-marathon non-stop.  And I trained for it in 10 weeks!  I had never run more than a couple of miles prior to that.  But each week I trained with a friend and we were able to run the distance in training without stopping.  Whilst I was delighted with my achievement, it also shocked me.  I had never been sporty, so it really made me look at myself again.  I had really gone outside of my comfort zone and done something that I would never have previously contemplated as possible.  But there I was, running the distance after 10 weeks of prep.  It genuinely made me think, “If I can run a half marathon, what other things could I do that I previously thought I had no chance of achieving?”

Public Speaking

One area that can provoke feelings of anxiety in anyone is public speaking.  Apparently surveys have shown that people are more scared of speaking in public than they are of dying!  Which does seem a tad extreme.  Anyway, it was definitely an area that petrified me.  It wasn’t an area that I could in any way envisage that I would be able to become proficient at all.  But that was all about to change….

I had joined a breakfast networking group.  The kind where you would have to give a one minute elevator pitch.  And I used to absolutely dread giving just a one minute pitch.  As the people round the table would do their pitch and it would come to me, I could feel my stomach tighten.  I’d usually get by but would feel really uncomfortable with the process.  And every six months…. You would have to give a 10 minute presentation.

With that frightening prospect beckoning I decided to join Toastmasters.  It was with them that I started a journey that would be one of the most fulfilling in my life.  Running a half marathon was tremendously satisfying.  But with Toastmasters, I was able to become reasonably competent at speaking in public.  Being someone who had been labelled as chronically shy, this was a major breakthrough.  I came to actually enjoy my sessions at Toastmasters.  So when they day came that I had to do my 10 minute presentation to my breakfast networking group, not only did it go really well.  But believe it or not, I actually felt comfortable and relished some of it.  Again, it really made me question who I was.  Surely I was the shy person?  Surely someone as chronically shy as me couldn’t do something like that?

Unlimited Possibilities

But that’s the problem with labels.  They can be simplistic and shut off possible avenues for us.  Each of us is unique.  With capacity to behave differently.  And capacity to react differently in different situations.  It’s not a given that we will be exactly the same, even if the circumstances we are in are very similar.  I came to see myself as someone who was occasionally shy.  Someone who was occasionally reserved. But someone who could be occasionally confident and gregarious.  

Labels don’t tend to take into account our thinking in the moment.  My reactions to situations are determined by my thinking in the moment in those situations; which thoughts are coming up as I experience that situation. These thoughts are not going to be the same all the time.  So my reactions and my experience will not be the same all the time.  I’m not going to think ‘shy’ thoughts every time I’m out meeting new people.  But occasionally I am.  It still happens these days.  But I just see it for what it is.  An experience where I felt shy.  But not an experience with which to label all my other possible future social interactions.

This can have major implications for us.  Our limited thinking can hold us back at times.  It can stop us from going for things that might be really fulfilling.  But my Toastmasters experience taught me that I was more than my occasional very shy thinking.  There are times when I cast off those restrictive chains and push myself out there.  Creating a future for ourselves based on our labels can be way off from what the actual possible reality could be.

A couple of years ago I decided to take the leap and move down to Cornwall.  Where I didn’t know anybody.  Some times I’ve found it difficult meeting new people.  Other times I’ve really enjoyed it.  Who knows what each social experience will bring.  Certainly, my old label of ‘shy’ doesn’t cover my wide range of social experiences where I now live.

Mental Health is a topic of much debate these days. Whether it is for adults who are experiencing mental health issues. Or for children who are growing up in what appears to be a more and more pressurised and stimulating world. But the debate around mental health quite often talks about circumstances or past experiences creating trauma in peoples’ lives, leading to them being irrevocably damaged. However, as the picture at the top of this blog post suggests, there is another way of looking at ourselves and mental health. 

Maybe, mental health is always there and always accessible. No matter what has happened in the past and no matter what our current life circumstances are now. For those of you who have had some challenging experiences in your past, this can be a very reassuring way to look at ourselves. With the iheart programme, children learn the logic behind this approach; how there is an inner part of them that is never damaged and is always strong and healthy.

The iheart approach is a different paradigm in tackling mental health. It is not a reactive approach, designed to provide children with techniques to ‘improve’ their confidence by working on things. Children won’t learn breathing techniques or how to use ‘positive’ thinking. Instead, it is an instruction manual to show children how their whole life experience is created via their:

• Thoughts
• Feelings
• Behaviours

This is a course that I wish I had taken when I was younger. Being very much on the quieter side of the personality range, and chronically shy at times, understanding that there was nothing fundamentally wrong with me would have been invaluable. Understanding how I was creating my life experience would have been equally valuable. I would have been able to steer a course through my teenage years and early adult life in a much calmer, and wiser way. Instead, I felt I had to work on myself because I thought there was something wrong with me.  I engaged in a lot of coping behaviours to try and deal with my life’s circumstances; as well as trying to cope with the stormy thoughts and feelings that were whirling around inside me.

Knowing that your wellbeing and mental health is innate is such a different approach compared to believing it is damaged or gone. Once you learn the iheart programme it is a case of your insecure thinking dropping away; rather than tackling that negative thinking and trying to make it positive. The world also seems like a less frightening place. If you know that your wellbeing can never be lost then you have that inner strength to know that you can always deal with the obstacles that life may set in your way.

There will always be times when you are, as we say in iheart, ‘Off Track’. It is impossible to go through life thinking and feeling happy all the time. We’re not robots. That is part of the human experience. Just like the Sun is always in the sky, there will be days when it is covered up by storm clouds. But you know it is always there. That is the same with our wellbeing. Like the Sun, our wellbeing is always within us. Just sometime it gets covered up by the stormy weather. 

At iheart we don’t teach children just to wait for the storm clouds to disappear. Instead, we teach them that they have the inner resilience to manage setbacks and tackle adversity, no matter what. There is a lot more security in knowing that your wellbeing and resilience are innate. That these cannot be taken away. When you know they are always there and can always be accessed, a lot of the fear can go out of your experience. It just doesn’t make logical sense to live from a place of insecurity and fear, when you have a deep place of inner wisdom and security within you that you can live your life from. And this is the case for everyone. Not just for those who have grown up in happy families or in favourable circumstances. This is available for every single child. Growing up can be a very challenging and daunting time. The iheart philosophy helps the children to navigate with a steadier touch and greater resolve.